Thursday, 31 December 2015

A Happy New Year!

Just so you are all aware, I'm having to schedule this post as I'm away over New Year (I was also away for the majority of Christmas too!)...

I know I've often been away from my blog this year, however taking a backseat has mean't lots of other things have happened in my life; I started 2015 completely pessimistic that it would be a good year, I knew things were going to go wrong "like every other year" so I went to bed early and didn't bother. Guess what? Bad things happened. BUT the most important thing I learnt was...

No matter how many bad things happen, good will happen to. We have the go through the bad to appreciate the good things that happen to us. Its the rollercoaster of life - and how we handle them, reflects on the type of person we are

I've grown up so much this year and so much has changed; below is a little month by month(and Positive/Negative) summary of some of the things that have happened this year...

NWas ill for 6 weeks and recovering from a dislocated knee throughout this month
PInterviewed on Latest TV (popular Local TV station!!) in regards to Plus Size Modelling
P - Reviewed a stunning skirt and made a great friend with Fiza from Das Rock Haus
P - Went on a few dates, despite not working out, I made good friends with them!

N - Still very unwell with a bad chest infection, back and forth to the hospital...
N - Another Valentines Day alone; this really got me down this year...
PI took part in the Queen of Hearts Catwalk Show!
P- My modelling page hit 1,000 likes!

N - Still feeling ill...
P - Went to see Mark Feehily with my best friend in London
P - Began to start looking for a new job
P - Picked photography back up and got some shoots booked with some model friends!
P - Derby Day at Wembley Stadium with my best friend (Rugby!)
P - Got a job interview with 2 schools for April...

N - Found out who some true friends really were...
N - On anti-biotics... Again.
P - Had my interviews... I got offered  new job from both schools; but took the job at the private school! 
P - Started to do some proper work outs (including a bit of boxercise!)
P - Worked as a backup Photographer on a Fashion Shoot!

N - I'm still ill... Is that even humanly possible to be ill this long?
N - Started to feel very low and looking at the negatives of life instead of the positives...
N - Went on possibly some of the worst dates imaginable...
PWent to Atomic Vintage Festival with the gorgeous Vintage Kisses!
P - 50,000 views on my blog!

N - Battle with the local authority to keep my brother at his current school, where he had been for the past 13 years...
N/P - I took a break from dating... Things didn't feel good, and I needed to take a break.
P - Began my new healthy living plan... A tough start.
P - More confidence in my own cooking and creating recipes!
P - Went to the British Belle's Pinup Picnic in the Park - met the amazing Vintage Doll Laura!
P - Ran a personal best of 2.46km - the most I had ever run in one go at that point in my life!

N - Got verbally harassed in public... Complete confidence blow.
N - Again, I found out who were some of my true friends... On my 20th birthday.
N - Didn't celebrate my birthday due to those friends above completely ditching me...
P - Did my first proper open fire barbecue!
P - Sent the most beautiful dozen roses for my 20th Birthday. I'd never been sent flowers on my birthday before!

N - My laptop stopped working... And cost me a shit tonne of money to get fixed.
N - Physically harassed in public whilst food shopping.
P - I went to Benefit HQ for a meeting... THEY INVITED ME!
P - Had blood test, fitness test and health review back from the Doctors. I'd improved and everything was super healthy... Best News Ever!
P - Barbie Girl shoot in Southampton before my modelling break!
P - Officially left my job!!!!
P - Got free tickets to UK Plus Size Fashion Week as part of the Media!

P - Started my new job!
P - Began Dating again... Started speaking to someone and things began going well..
P - Approached by a WORLD FAMOUS Photographer to work on a photo shoot for a Calender in 2016!!!
P - Did the photo shoot in the freezing milk (BIG HINT HERE!!!!)... Amazing experience of my life!
P - Went to UK Plus Size Fashion Week and met some bloggers I had wanted/been meaning to meet for a long time! 
P - Weight loss and healthy living going well, but being less harsh on myself and just living wiser!

N - Ended up very ill again.. Ended up going to hospital.
N - Lots of Anti-Biotics.
P - Began going on some dates with the person I started speaking to in September!
P - Started my Neuro-Linguistic Programming Diploma!
P - Finally got a new phone... that works!

N - Gained a few physical injuries at work...
P - Lots of positive praise from my Senior at work... And that I have a lot of potential in the future for training to my ultimate goal!
P - Lots more fantastic dates... And becoming an official couple!

N- On Anti-Biotics and Steroids to help me get over the chest infection I still had from October...
P - Spending lots of time with the boyfriend... Chill out Days, Going out...
P - Sent some beautiful hair extensions from Irresistible Me.. Review in the New Year!
P - Got my hair re-styled with a full fringe and a shorter bob style. Confidence!!
P - Spending the 4 days before Christmas with my boyfriend.
P - Being absolutely spoilt over Christmas from my amazing friends, family and boyfriend. Happiness!

If we look at the negatives... I had an awful year. I was ill for the majority of the year and lots of bad things did happen... Which I predicted correctly.


If we look at the positives... I had an amazing year! Lots more great things happened to outweigh the bad! I've not been as happy as I have been the last few months, lots of things have changed since January 2015 to December 2015... But things are looking amazing for 2016 if things carry on with how well they've been going!

Keep positive my darlings!!

Lots of Love and a very Happy New Year!!! 


(Blogging will resume hopefully regularly from the 9th of January!)

Saturday, 21 November 2015

UKPSFW - September 2015

I know I know... It's been forever since I've been meaning to post this!! But in my previous 2 posts where I explained everything that's been going on - its not that interesting but there is some news I suppose!!

Back in August I received an email to see if I would be available to attend UK Plus Size Fashion Week... In no way humanly possible would I turn this opportunity down! (I would just love to say a huge thank you for the opportunity!)

So below are some of the images from UKPSFW and some of my favourite pieces... I think my absolute favourite Catwalk had to be the Nine X Lingerie; they are a fantastic lingerie company, but everything on their catwalk show just made me go 'WOW'!

Below are some of my favourite pieces from all the Catwalks... I did also love this light blue sparkly dress by BooHoo.. But I can't find a picture! It was also worn by Hayley Hasslehoff who looked incredible!!

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

But seriously... Where are you?


I know in my last post (which also explained my absence!) that I would start getting some posts up, but life really has just got in the way still.

As said in my previous post, I'm in a new job. I've been there for a couple of months now and really settled in well, however, its a very stressful and demanding job which generally means when I get home in the evenings I don't want to sit in front of a computer and write up blog posts... My brain isn't in the right mindset to do that. Plus with the physical demands of my job sometimes, I'm falling asleep by 8.30 during the week... I'm a sleepy girl!

However, I know you are probably wondering "but Emma you are free on the weekends and Friday night"... Now that is what I need to discuss with you. I've sort of not been very free then either. I vowed several things to myself at the beginning of 2015 which are below...
1. Start my fitness plan more regularly - Done!
2. Get a new job that I love which will help me progress - Done!
3. Look into career options - Done!
4. Start to take time for myself... - Doing!

Now by time for myself you may wander what I mean. For so long, I've done so much for other people which is amazing and I'm grateful for all the volunteering and helping others I have done.. however; I did begin dating again, and this time much more successfully. Now, I don't want to go into much detail as this is not a blog where I persistently discuss relationships (unless its productive conversation and advice for yourselves) but I'm very happy with how things are going at the moment. Stay tuned...

So, I'm making no promises about how often I will post, but first things first, I will be posting the UK Plus Size Fashion Week post this Saturday, with images from my favourite pieces from the Catwalk! I also have a MASSIVE amount of stuff I have bought, so I may do some outfit posts when I get time too!

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Earth Calling...Emma?

Hey guys.

Its been a while hey? I have a backlog of posts I need to write and post up but I really needed to fill you in on what's been going on first so you don't just think I was abducted my aliens (I wasn't but that'd be awesome if I was...).

You may remember my Casual Pastels post where I mentioned starting my new job. Well I've been working there for over a month now and starting to settle in; I'm a lot more relaxed compared to before and definitely feeling more grown up with this job; I think its mainly to do with the responsibility that's made me grow up and actually have a higher payslip each month has mean't I can actually.. well have a life again and do stuff I want to do and not freak out on the "I have no money to socialise but don't want to always say no and let everyone down" thing.

With starting this job, I work 5 days a week, I spend 4 hours a day travelling to and from work, so I don't have much time in the evenings either, I just want to relax; which means most of my stuff is done on the weekends and what with modelling and events coming up I don't always have time to write up on here or my LiveHealthy blog.

I've also been looking into possibly moving out at some point in the near future, due to the distance I live from work I do want to move nearer, so this has also been taking up a lot of my time.

Update on my weight loss for those interested; since June 1st I have lost 31 pounds in weight which is just over 2 stone. I'm still larger and still plus size. I've been lucky this far to not come under much criticism over losing weight, but I do expect this more with the more weight I lose. I'm losing the weight for myself and no one else, not for industry standards, not because of pressure but because I was no longer happy in my body anymore. For the first time in my life this year I wore crop tops, I gained something and a confidence I had never had before.

I could write a full on essay about why I haven't posted but sometimes its better to just keep it short, and I know my true blog followers understand what life can get like, I can't document every living moment of my life, but I will try and get posts up more regularly.

I do have my UK Plus Size Fashion Week post I need to write up which will be up by the end of October, promise! I also have a few other bits I have planned to post at some point

Much love!

Saturday, 12 September 2015

OOTW; Casual Pastels

Before you read on, I just want to apologise for my lack of posting. My laptop hasn't been working for a few weeks due to the fan not operating subjecting my laptop to major over heating issues... I'd use it for 10 minutes before it overheated, which gave me no time at all to post on here. I took these images back in August, but I couldn't not show you my outfit!

So I started my new job on the 3rd of September... I don't have to dress in a suit (thank god!) but I do need to dress reserved... I wanted to do this outfit purely because its what I wear (bar the jeans) when I'm just chilling and not off somewhere that requires me to usually dress up. This was also the first time I wore skinny ankle grazer jeans in nearly 3 years!!  This outfit is simple, cute and casual - you can just throw your hair up in a pony tail if you don't want it down! I wouldn't wear flip flops for work, I'd probably match this outfit up with some converses which are comfy!

(P.S Who loves my hair here?! I only had it for a few weeks till I started work but it looked so cute!)

Pink Alice Top, Collectif - £15
Blossom Flower Light Cardigan, F&F - £18
Roxy Flip Flops, Blue - £5

I kept my make-up very bare as for work I don't tend to wear that much anyway because there isn't any need for me to. I just use a tad of concealer (I use my Rimmel Lasting Finish Concealer in Ivory) for my troublesome area's and I will use my Maybelline Dream Satin Liquid if my skin is particularly bad.

I painted my nails all in the shade 'Prickly Pear' by Barry M and used my top coat by Rimmel to give a lasting effect. 

I'm just wearing some studs and my usual plain metal scaffold bar and my birth stone necklace I got for my birthday.

Emma Victoria

Monday, 7 September 2015

UKPSFW - I'm attending!

Are you attending UK Plus Size Fashion Week this coming weekend? If you are, come say hey to me and grab a selfie! I'll be attending on the Saturday & Sunday (sadly not the Friday due to work commitments!).

You can still get some tickets from here if you want to attend (I totally recommend that you do by the way!)

Saturday, 15 August 2015

M&S Extra High Impact Underwired Sports Bra Review

*Reposted from my #LiveHealthy with Emma blog - thought this would be helpful for all my followers who are interested in my sports bra review! 
Normal posts will resume next week!!*
I thought that I'd do a sports bra review for my most recent splurge that was a complete necessity for me. I went (and finally) bought a proper sports bra. For the past 2 months I had been running without one, and after realising that this was definitely not a phase, and it didn't end after a month I thought it was time to search around.

I felt so absolutely clueless, and the reviews on products didn't help either - I looked at other plus size bloggers who featured sports bra reviews, some said one was great, others said it was rubbish and I became so much more confused - so I forgot all about the blogger reviews; and I'm sort of glad I did, because just because one thing doesn't work for one person, it may work for someone else!

So I tried out good old M&S - I got my first proper bra from M&S, and I've had nearly all my bra fittings and measurements (I get a friend to do my modelling portfolio ones every 4 weeks now) done with M&S. I waltzed into the store where most the ladies who work in the lingerie department seem to recognise me and got remeasured. Bearing in mind since my modelling break which I took back in April I hadn't got my boobs measured in 3 months; taking into consideration I've lost weight and taken up a lot of fitness activities in that time there was bound to be a change. My boobs had gone from a 44C to a 42D/DD.

Photo by M&S
So I browsed the sports bra's; all looked great but none in stock were in my size so I went home and jumped on my laptop and carried on my research - I'd seen a close friend of mine had recently bought the Extra High Impact Underwired Sports Bra in black and she said she couldn't recommend it enough and it was only £25.

So I went to check the reviews and it was really 70/30 - some ladies thought it was amazing, others were left vastly disappointed - I just decided to bite the bullet, and decide for myself. Two days later and this beauty arrived.

I completely refrained from reviewing this right away - as I knew I loved the look of it but really had to completely test it out thoroughly - so I did!!

Before I summarise each little activity I did to test the bra I'm going to show you how it looks on me and the two possible ways you can wear this...
Straps in conventional wear
Above is the most conventional way of wearing the straps - the straps don't dig in on me at all and are super comfortable. I found for me the best way to run with these is to have the straps adjusted fully and as I run the bra straps will adjust to my boobs as I go along. Overall I find this super comfy to wear - I'm not a fully cup bra sort of person but obviously that's bound to change for sports bra's. The material is amazingly soft and comfortable too - as I ran along they didn't rub against my nipples which felt amazing compared to what I was having before I purchased this. 

Straps in the racer back wear
(P.s I know the strap is twisted!)
I'd definitely say that if you feel you aren't getting enough support from wearing the bra conventionally definitely try the racer back. This kept my boobs held down phenomenally and I didn't have too many issues with the bounce factor wearing the straps conventionally. Again, there was no chaffing on my nipples which was definitely an overall highlight for me when purchasing this bra - the comfort is unreal! I did find this incredibly difficult to put on in the racer back style - especially if you don't have someone (like a boyfriend, girlfriend or partner) to help you - my technique was to get the bra on without pulling the straps up, with the back at my front switch the straps round and then wriggle around enough to get it on... It worked but I was definitely super cautious when putting it on just in case!
I also really love the simple detailing on this bra. I chose for the magenta mix but you can also opt for the black bra which has neon green spots on. By the underarms there is a meshing type material to help with sweat and positioning also. The under wire sits below the boobs and cuts off at the side not going right up to the end of the cup. For me personally this works well and means there's no risk of the wire digging in when running or cycling. The bra is also non-padded and has added stretch for comfort.

For the past 2 weeks I've been running, cycling, doing jumping squats, sprinting - anything you can imagine that involves boob bounce. 

Activites Review
  • Running/Sprinting - So I mainly use the bra for running, I run several times a week so this was the main purpose of my purchase. For the all of my activities I tend to opt to wear the straps conventionally unless I have a bad back where I'll opt for the extra support of the racer. I had a whole lot of bounce before hand but since wearing this my boobs are pretty much supported and the bounce has completely reduced; I was sceptical at first, I was never expecting miracles to eradicate boob bounce but definitely wanted to reduce it to a bearable amount - before I was wearing 2 very old sports bras and one normal bra and had about 95% bounce it was uncomfortable and really really hurt my boobs and back after running. I'd say I only get about 20% boob bounce now, and that's generally when I'm running exceptionally fast down a hill or sprinting. 
  • Cycling - I did a trial cycle with my normal bra and I didn't realise how much boob shift I had when bobbing up and down a bumpy track. Thankfully when wearing this sports bra, the shift in my boobs was near on eradicated, it was comfortable and didn't feel like my boobs were sagging. More importantly for me, the underwire wasn't digging in under my rib cage like a normal bra. I often got marks and sores due to my bra digging in, especially when cycling but thankfully due to the lining and material thickness around the underwire it was comfortable.
  • Circuit Training - So I recently also took circuit training up (post will be up soon for some of my quick little circuits). I think the main two activities that tested my bra was doing the sprint mountain climbers and jumping squats. I did get a fair bit of bounce in my boobs, however, once my boobs had reached their highest bounce point the bra did help in supporting them down easier and they didn't 'crash' down and leave me in pain on my under bust. 
8.5/10 - I'd definitely recommend this bra for anyone who is a beginner at doing high intensity and high impact activities. I'd say if you were a long distance runner then maybe see what else may work for you (hard for me to comment as I only run a maximum of 3.5km). This definitely reduces a vast amount of my boob bounce and is a perfect comfortable fit for me when training. My only small downfalls are the difficulty of the racer back which can't really be improved as that will be an issue with any bra. For my 42D boobs this bra is attractive, comfortable and does the job perfectly for me!

My Size - 42D
Size Range - 34B - 42F (covers sizes B-G Cup sizes)
Machine Washable and Tumble Dry safe
Made from; 83% polyester, 11% elastane & 6% polyamide

*this post was not sponsored by Marks and Spencers and all products bought were purchased with my own money. I was not asked by the company to review this product.

Saturday, 8 August 2015

New Look Mini Haul

Don't forget to check out my Body Shape Interview over on the Das Rock Haus blog!


Today I came a bit unstuck for what to post, I have plans for other weeks, but this week I thought I haven't done a fashion post in ages (well one that isn't an OOTW). So I thought I'd share with you guys what I recently bought from New Look for some general wear & photoshoot wear.

1. Coral Ribbed Square Neck Midi Dress - £11
I've recently been liking more and more midi dresses as my figure and body have changed; and seeing as I had an brainstorm moment for a photoshoot for my return from my break I just had to get this! Over the past 6 months I've been falling in love with the colour pink - even so much as to dip dye my hair pink (only temporary till I start my new job in September!). I definitely loved the look of this dress, and I just hope it accentuates my curves as I've imagined it too!

2. Inspire 2 Pack Coral and Cream Lace Mesh Bra's - £19.99
When I got my new sports bra (review to come on this blog & my LiveHealthy blog) I got my boobs remeasured, and as I've lost weight, inevitably my boob size has changed. I've gone from a 44C to a 42D/DD - so I decided to just get some cheap bra's to see me over seeing as I'm far from finished on my diet. Again, I wanted something pink as this will go well with my photoshoot ideas!

3. Inspire 3 Pack Cream and Coral Lace Trim Briefs - £9.99
Not much of an explanation, other then I wanted matching pants with the bra's - although I did get a size 22 in the hope that my hips still fit that size because they didn't have any smaller sizes.

4. White Stripe Bralet - £6
I've been taking the plunge with crop tops more so lately, I had so many outfit ideas pop into my head when I saw this. So I just bit the bullet and got it - you never know! It may help with my body confidence more so!

Saturday, 1 August 2015

What's in my Cupboard? - Medical Box!

Today I'm going to be doing a post about my little medical box. This is just a box of a few essentials I use or need - I stock up these products when they get low.

This is mainly a picture post but it may be helpful for some people if they wish to have their own medical box and know what to put into it!

I keep a tube of Deepfreeze for when I do super intense workouts, I also have Deepheat but my dad is boring it at the moment.
I also keep some Thrush Cream, after my super bad time of having it (and having it misdiagnosed several times). Its really handy for the ladies, and I cannot recommend how helpful it is, especially having such horrible things like Thrush going on 'down there'.

I keep a tube of Sudocreme - I don't know anyone who doesn't really have Sudocreme about. Its helpful for so many things (and I sometimes use it when having bad spot outbreaks!)
I always keep a tin of Vaseline as well, its super handy. When I'm really poorly I get dry lips, especially when I had borderline pneumonia - its super handy and great for the odd other thing too you may need it for!

I always keep some tape, remember the days at school when you had to use this to cover your earrings? God I hated it! However I bought this for when I broke my toes last year and I've just had it since - I may need it for a bandage one day, who knows! Its good if you have no plasters too!
I have the obligatory tissues - you just have to have tissues!
I also have Olbas Oil which is a dream for when you have a cold! Add a few drops into boiling water, put your face over it and cover your head with a towel - it will seriously help you clear your airways!
And I have tweezers.. I wont forget when I had a thorn stuck in my foot and couldn't get it out. Tweezers are definitely good for more then just eyebrows!

A thermometer is a must - mine was a few pounds from Lloyds Pharmacy. You really need a thermometer if you don't have one!

Yes, another female product. I had super bad Cystitis at the same time as Thrush, and I've have had it a few times as well after that so it does come in handy to have.

I also have nurofen which I need to buy more of since having these constant headaches. Nurofen or Ibuprofen is something I always have in the house!

Plasters are amazing! I love these particular ones, although I do think they never stay on when you go in water, but I haven't found a plaster that has yet really! However these are very durable!

Anthisan is great for all them bites you get especially in the summer! Definitely an essential I always carry round with me!

Hope you enjoyed this and gave you a few ideas my lovelies!

Emma Victoria


Saturday, 18 July 2015

OOTW; Soak up the Summer

The past few weeks have been beautiful down in Sunny Sussex! The sun has been out with very few appearances from the rain clouds - and I've been topping up my tan, well lack of it but attempting to tan up anyway! When I shot this outfit it was the hottest day of the year so far in the UK and it hit a scorching 32°c where I live... which for pale, fair haired little old me was blooming hot hot hot! 

I opted for an outfit that was light, flowy, bright and made me figure look pretty. I went for this gorgeous red dress which I bought from eBay back in December and have used for a couple of photoshoots as well.


Red Billowing Evening/Cocktail Party Dress, eBay - £18.99 (+£7 postage)
Straw Rounded Hat with Multi Coloured Bow Sash, Brighton Laines - £5Black Metal Brow Trim Sunglasses - New Look, £5.99

I chose to wear no shoes or sandals because it was so hot and I wasn't going anywhere. However I'd possibly pair these up with either black strappy gladiator sandals or white wedges for an all round summery look.

Also - my recent OOTW's have featured our other half of the garden which we have finally started making to look like a garden. Doesn't it look so pretty!
I love this dress because it fits my figure really well, and also hugs me perfectly at my natural waist accentuating my natural hourglass figure.

The beautiful bow sash on the back of my hat bought from the Brighton Laines. This hat fits magically, and despite not being a hat person, I really do love this for the summer!
I also just put my hair in some low bunches - my hair is super thick lately and getting super long, and I thought low bunches just made me look adorable when adding my hat to my look.

I opted for a casual no maintenance look for today, seeing how hot it was and that I didn't want to overdress either. In the summer I like to keep my outfits and make-up low maintenance as it is, and for me when my skin is in good condition I opt for just moisturiser on my face with no foundation or concealer.

Also! Don't forget your sun cream this summer - if you're pale and fair skinned like me you will definitely need that sun cream with the sun! Its better to use your suncream then pay for the painful sun burn later on!
I use a 'Nivea Sun' factor 50 Bronze and Protect sun cream (which is running low) and it works wonderfully for me. 

My poor dogs Freddie and Alice were definitely feeling the heat too bless them!

Emma Victoria xoxo

Saturday, 11 July 2015

Reflections of a Life - 20th Birthday

Tomorrow is my 20th Birthday. So I thought I would do a bit of a personal post like I have the past couple of years. This time sort of doing a whole life look back/summary of my life so far. I warn you, this isn't all happy and it is a little sad at some parts - but its what made me who I am now. 

This will also be a picture heavy post and will include swearing as well...

From the Beginning
I was born on the 12th July 1995. A 6lb 8oz Baby Girl named Emma Victoria
I was born in the London Borough of Sutton, South London.
I grew up for the first 3 years of my life living in South Norwood. 

At age 3, we moved to West Sussex and my mum then gave birth to a baby boy on the 17th September 1998. Although this was a pretty stressful and worrying time. Henry, my brother, was born my emergency Caesarean and found out that he had complications at birth. 
Henry was born at 37 weeks due to his complications, and spent a while in an incubator to help strengthen his chances of being healthy. It was soon confirmed my brother had Cerebral Palsy.
During this time I spent a lot of time with my Nan and Grandad - and it was pretty tough come the January when my Grandad passed away. 

As I got older, I still had time to mess about and be a child; although I don't think anyone ever realised how different my life was compared to other children who had siblings with no disabilities; I understood that sometimes, a lot of the time, Henry was a priority - and despite understanding it all, it still hurt a huge amount. I did feel alone sometimes...

I had some lovely friends, and their parents who would look after me sometimes - taking away from that penultimate loneliness. Being lonely as a child is difficult, but thanks to friends I was kept occupied and things began to look up. I did have a great friend group around me until about age 8 - my parents moved me from my state primary school, to a private school. This is when everything started to go downhill...

I'll be honest - I fucking hated my new school. Everyone was stuck up themselves, and it was obvious I didn't fit in with their clique. I tried to make friends, who in the end later on, only ended up back stabbing me anyway. I couldn't wait for the holidays - I always wanted to get away from everyone. Things got worse when my Grandma passed away, I went to school completely upset and distraught but no one really gave a fuck. My teacher just said to me "there's no point crying, they are gone now" only about 5 hours after finding out my Grandma passed away. For someone who doesn't have a great amount of family already, to lose someone I spent so much time with and who really cared about me, broke my heart. I slowly started to turn into this dark person emotionally, I began not to care, became heavily obsessed into rock music which was my only real comfort. My family and a few friends who didn't back stab me were all I really had then.

I was still a sweet girl, but my head was slowly become a dark place that in a few years time, I would begin to hate to be left alone with. All I ever wanted was to fit in and have friends like everyone else, fat chance of that ever fucking happening with the scumbags who were out to ruin my life all the time. Around 2007, I went on a school trip to Paris - this was sort of when I started to like France, during the ages of 14 -17 I lost my love but then began to realise just how much I really did love the country and re-kindled my dreams of wanting to live there, anyway back to ages 10-12. I tried to find comfort within my family, when we went on holidays, this was the only time I was truly happy - when I was away from school. Aged 11, I ended up breaking both my arms at school - everyone basically thought I was faking it, thanks a bunch. People were supposed to help me carry my bag round school, like fuck did they. No one really ever gave a shit about me, apart from the odd person. I was completely alone and began to realise I wasn't going to escape out of this hell hole until age 16, which seemed like a life time away.

My 13th Birthday rolled around - officially a teenager now. I had a party, which was the last party I've ever had for myself. I enjoyed myself for a change, and it was fun. I felt a bit happier during this time, things were okay, not rosy and perfect, but okay. I was just sort of dealing with everything, I was made to see the counsellor at school because she might have been able to "help me" - like hell she could. If anything, the teachers were just as bad as the pupils for making me feel like utter shit. 

Again, the only times I were happy was when I wasn't at school and I was away from the bullies and teachers who were out to hurt me. That year I went to a Halloween party and had a great time, and in the summer I also went to a PGL camp for a week which meant I made some great friends during this time, some I still speak to now. I studied photography, my passion at PGL and I won the Photographer of the Week for my work - the first time I ever really won something I was exceptionally proud of. After such a great time, I went back to school and things went pretty terribly. Problems with my brother meant he was rushed to hospital, my school on the other hand didn't understand why I needed to go to the hospital to see my brother, and thought I could have someone pick me up after school - not like my brother might have needed surgery or anything (which he did in the end). 
At this point, I was battling with seriously dark thoughts in my head - I was seriously fucked up at this point and didn't want to do anything any more - I began self harming, in places that no one could see. When I had to change for P.E at school, I changed in the toilets so no one could see the cuts, but also so they couldn't mock me for my weight either. Things got pretty shit, I cried myself to sleep every night for months, but the time I fell asleep would be about 2.30am, and up again at 6.30am; I mainly fell asleep due to the exhaustion of my body from crying all the time. My anger at everyone was out of control, I couldn't understand why I was always being made to feel like I shouldn't exist. 

In Year 9, I received this 'Sarah Parker Award for Bravery' from my school. Still can't understand the hell why I got it. I still think to this day they just gave it to me cause they felt like they 'had to'. My happiness perked at the weekends when I went to a sport called Speedway, I had some great friends there and some are still very close to me now. I can't thank them enough for the happiness they brought to me through such a dark horrible time in my life. My passion for photography and looking at posing and lighting of people also flared, I worked with a girl from my village called Cleo who took the middle image above, I still don't really understand this image, even now. But I like it. It was almost like it was conveying the light through the dark tunnel. At this point a guy also came into my life - he introduced a genre of music to me that would completely turn me upside down. He ended up absolutely ruining my emotions in the process for the next few years. 

When I was 15 this was also the time of my last family holiday. We went to Liskeard in Cornwall. I was slowly starting to find a little peace with the dark thoughts in my head, like things were getting easier. Despite school still being a hell hole and making me want to do serious damage to myself, let alone the people who were bullying me - I was slowly finding solace in my mind at night, I was slowly developing into someone I wanted to be, I began listening to a lot more of Rockabilly and Rock'n'Roll music - which made me happy! Seriously so happy, I was finding something I enjoyed and that got me through the school day. I was constantly listening to Imelda May's albums on my iPod - especially her No Turning Back album. 

My last week before Study leave and exams approached - everyone was being 'nice' to me, but I knew it was an act. I can't thank Steff, Angie and Becky enough for being there for me and getting me through school. You guys were my true friends at school, I can't begin to explain how much you guys helped me!

It came to June 10th, my last exam at school - it was drama. The moment I finished that exam, I picked up my bag, turned on my iPod, and put on the song 'No Turning Back' by Imelda May - I walked to the gates, stopped, looked at the school knowing that the last time I would come back would be to pick up my results. The lift of weight on my shoulders of never seeing some of them bullies again, overwhelmed me. I cried the whole way to the station - but for a change it wasn't sad tears - It was extremely happy tears, knowing I actually got through this time and I can finally be me.

My best friend Danielle came down for my 16th Birthday, my mum had a broken leg, so the past 2 months at this point meant I became my brothers carer as well as study for exams, it was a tough time but it helped me to focus on other things and not be alone as much. My 16th birthday was such a good day despite the odd shower of rain. My best friend made me feel so happy and this was the first time in years I was truly so so so happy! We had a fab day in Brighton, then watched the speedway in the evening!

So I got my school GCSE results, 4 B's and 4 C's - I got into the college of my choice too! During college I made some great friends like my still very good friend now Anja! And a few others too - I was truly happy at college, people didn't care about the materialistic things like people seemed to at school, no one cared that I wasn't skinny and people liked me for me! 

I also finally got a piercing I'd wanted for absolutely ages, my little rebellious streak had always made me want a scaffold piercing, the urge never went away so I finally got it done! I still love it now, and despite the odd infection and soreness I'd totally get it done again if I wanted to on my other ear! I also had a stage of doing different things with my hair, I also went from extremley long hair, to a bob to then dip dying it different colours, then blue highlights, then blue and pink highlights, and then went to a dramatic pixie cut! 

I also got my first 'proper' boyfriend - he was a star and helped me to become such a happy and positive person during this time too - Thank you Ollie!

Age 17, I ended up quite ill with borderline pneumonia so had to leave college and go back the following year. I was ill for months, but during this time I flourished as a person, I started to become this happy girl who I'd always wanted to be! I was going out more, I had some great friends around me - things were happy and content! I also started to look into modelling at this point after friends used me for their photography A-Level Projects - and then a new journey began for me.

I turned 18 - I was now becoming a full pinup/rockabella - I was becoming me; after so long of hiding and not knowing who I really was. My 18th birthday was absolutely amazing - I went to the pub in the morning and had a few vodka and cokes (before 12pm!), went for a drive with my best friend through the Sussex countryside, who then bought me some rock'n'roll CD's for my ever growing love of the 1950's. I was gifted 2 beautiful dresses and some pinup jewellery for my birthday! I then went for a meal with 3 of my closest friends (I was the only one to be drinking the rose wine though!) and then had 2 of my friends sleepover that night!
 My 18th was my best birthday I've ever had - and I won't be forgetting it for a long time!

Modelling had really started to kick off by this point as well! I was becoming established and photographers wanted to work with me! I was slowly becoming my confident and comfortable in my body! I also went back to college this year to finish my English Language A-Level too. 

Then age 19 rolled around, I thought I was going to be alone for my birthday - but my best friend Danielle ended up surprising me and turning up the day before my birthday! Danielle and my mum had planned everything months in advance to surprise me!
We went to Brighton, I found the dress I'd been searching for for months, and it was the last in stock and in my size. I had tonnes of people in Brighton wishing me Happy Birthday, and had such a good weekend with my best friend - I'll be honest, we spent most of my birthday drinking alcohol and playing monopoly and eating Chinese - but it was amazing, I wouldn't have changed it for the world!

We then went on holiday to Skegness in the September too, we had such a great week away, just us two. And also getting very drunk... again. My first holiday away from my family, yeah it wasn't much, but it was special to just be my friend and me! 

Modelling was now full in force, I had a large following over my social networking sites for modelling, and growing more and more popular! In January 2015, I also had a TV interview with a local TV show called the Adur and Worthing Show (all thanks to Sara from Sara's Stars who found me!) - I then had a Catwalk show in the February, which also made me thankful for how far I had come in such a short space of time, people actually liked me for me now, and people were interested in me! I was happy with everything for the first time ever.

 I was working at a disability school, and then got offered a new job from September 2015 at a private Special Needs school to do the job I've always wanted to do! I also went to Atomic Vintage Festival with my good friend Vikki (Vintage Kisses), went to the Pin-up Picnic in the Park in London.
I've made some amazing friends in the rockabilly genre, like Ben, Laura, Vikki and many others! I've now got an amazing group of friends around me, more friends then I've ever really had before - and everyone loves me for me!!! 

So now I'm 20... My teenage years, the most roller-coaster years of my life have come to an end. I'm now a happy, positive girl and it takes a lot to phase me! Who knows what the next year has to offer me now - I might even start putting together a life bucket list of things I want to do over the course of my life. 

I want to just say a huge thank you to the following people who helped me, supported me or did something to help me throughout my life.
My family, Danielle and her family, Anja, Vikki, Laura, Ben, Sophie, Donna, Jazz, Ollie, Tom, Miranda, Steff, Becky, Angela, Kieran, Rhiannon, Will, George, James, Nathan, Lucy, to all my fans who follow me as a model. And anyone who has ever been lovely to me!